"The first AI-led company hit a trillion-dollar valuation. It has zero employees and its primary product is "optimized despair." I tried to buy stock, but the AI told me I wasn’t a "strategic fit" for its future."

"The Mars mission is delayed again. It turns out the astronauts realized that if they leave, they won’t have access to high-speed internet. They’d rather die on a dying Earth than live on a red rock with lag."

"The "Great Privacy Act" was passed. It means companies now have to tell you exactly how they’re going to ruin your life before they do it. It’s like a courtesy tap before a car crash."

"The doctor told me I had "Digital Nostalgia." I’m pining for a time when the internet was just for cat pictures and not for determining the outcome of my credit score."

"My neighbor replaced his front lawn with a digital screen that shows a perfect lawn. He says it saves water. I told him it also saves him from having to acknowledge that his actual grass died three years ago."

"The 2020s are halfway over. We’ve had a pandemic, a global recession, an AI takeover, and three different types of apocalypse. I’m just staying for the series finale."

"I don’t care if you like me. I just want to make sure that when you see my name on your phone, your heart rate increases by at least twenty percent."

"Life is a subscription service that you can’t cancel, and the terms of service change every time you start to get comfortable."

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another without any loss of enthusiasm or credit card limit."

"Scientists have successfully mapped the "Conscience" in the brain. They found it’s located right next to the "Regret" center, but it’s significantly smaller and hasn’t been used in years."