"It’s an election year. The choices are a guy who can’t remember what he had for breakfast and a guy who can’t remember where he left his legal documents. It’s like a remake of "Grumpy Old Men," but with nuclear codes."

"The first human received a Neuralink chip. Finally, I can be disappointed by the internet directly in my own brain without the inconvenience of using my thumbs."

"AI-generated video is here. Now you can watch a video of anything that never happened, which is great because nothing that *is* happening is particularly pleasant to look at."

"I told my doctor I was feeling like a hologram. He said, "That’s normal. You’re just experiencing the realization that your entire personality is based on a series of algorithms and coffee.""

"My neighbor is "homesteading" in his suburban backyard. He has three chickens and a solar panel. He says he’s ready for the collapse. I told him his plan only works if the "collapse" is just a very long weekend without a grocery store."

"The Olympics are in Paris. They’re swimming in the Seine, a river so dirty it has its own immune system. It’s a bold move: whoever wins the gold also gets three new types of bacteria named after them."

"I don’t need an inheritance. I just want to be mentioned in the will as the reason the lawyer is currently laughing."

"Hope is the blue loading bar that gets stuck at 99% right before the power goes out."

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."

"Inflation is "cooling," which means things are only getting more expensive at a speed that allows you to keep your dignity while you starve."