"I applied for a job today and the interview was conducted by an AI. It told me I was "overqualified in empathy" and "insufficiently optimized for 4:00 AM emails." I didn't get the job, but the AI did offer to write my apology to my landlord."

"The first AI-generated President candidate is polling at 40%. Its main platform is "I don't have a childhood trauma to project onto the nuclear codes." People are calling it the most relatable candidate in history."

"Deepfakes are so good now that I saw a video of myself being productive and happy. I almost believed it until I realized I was wearing a shirt that cost more than my monthly rent."

"The doctor told me I have "Algorithm Fatigue." He said the cure is to look at a tree for twenty minutes without trying to find the "Like" button on the trunk. I’m not sure I’ll survive the treatment."

"My neighbor’s "Smart Dog" ran away. Or rather, its software expired and it just sat in the driveway until the recovery team came to reboot its personality. I haven't seen a metaphor that clear since 2024."

"Universal Basic Income is finally being discussed. Not because we care about people, but because the robots are getting tired of seeing us look so miserable while they do all the work."

"I like to keep my smart glasses turned off. It’s the only way to see the world without the "Estimated Time of Death" ticker hovering over everyone's head."

"Life is what happens while your operating system is updating your consciousness to be more compatible with corporate interests."

"A realist is someone who knows that the "Light at the end of the tunnel" is actually just a 5G tower broadcasting targeted ads for antidepressants."

"We finally contacted aliens. They took one look at our social media feeds and sent a message back that roughly translates to "New phone, who dis?" and then blocked the entire solar system."