"The Russians launched Sputnik. Now we have a metal ball orbiting the Earth to remind us that we aren’t the smartest ones on it—just the ones with the best refrigerators."

"A man finds a genie and asks to live forever. The genie says, "Granted." The man says, "Great! When do I start?" The genie says, "The moment you realize you can't die, you'll wish you could.""

"My bank is so strict that even the "Next Window" sign has a repossession notice on it."

"I asked my son what he learned in school today. He said, "How to duck and cover." I asked if it worked. He said, "I don't know, the teacher didn't blow up.""

"Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on a couch."

"I told my wife I was leaving her for a younger woman. She said, "Good, maybe she can figure out how to work the vacuum cleaner.""

"They say the new cars have "fins" to make them go faster. They don't mention the fins are mostly there to ensure you look like a shark while you’re stuck in traffic."

"A guest asked if my dog bites. I said, "No, he’s much too sophisticated for that. He prefers to wait until you’re asleep and then gas you.""

"Everything is funny, as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"Death is just nature’s way of telling you to slow down."