"The Suez Crisis is a mess. It’s the only time in history people are fighting over a ditch that they’re too busy shooting each other to actually use."

"I told my doctor I wanted to live forever. He said, "Easy. Just get a job you hate. Every day will feel like an eternity.""

"My neighbor just bought a new IBM computer. It takes up the whole basement and has 5 megabytes of memory. He uses it to calculate how much he regrets his marriage."

"Rock and Roll is supposedly the devil’s music. If that’s true, the devil has surprisingly good rhythm and a very poor fashion sense."

""Mommy, why do I keep walking in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.""

"I went to a wedding where they threw rice. At least I think it was rice; it was hard to tell through the radiation suits."

"A man wakes up from surgery and says, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor says, "I know, I had to amputate your arms.""

"The middle class is that group of people who are trying to live like the rich while worrying that the poor might catch up."

"I’m not a total waste of space. I can always be used as a bad example."

"My wife and I have the secret to a long marriage. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."