"I have a new philosophy. I’m going to live every day like it’s my last. Which is why I’m currently sitting in my pajamas eating a block of lard and crying."

"America finally put a satellite up. It’s smaller than the Russian one, but our scientists say it’s more "democratic" because it doesn’t work half the time."

"The surgeon told me I had a "healthy" tumor. I didn’t realize tumors had a fitness regimen."

"I’m not saying I’m old, but my birth certificate is on papyrus and my childhood photos are in cave paintings."

"A man asked me for a dollar for a cup of coffee. I said, "Coffee is only ten cents." He said, "I know, but I have a lot of debt.""

"My neighborhood is so quiet you can hear the neighbors’ dreams shattering through the dry-wall."

"Hula hoops are the new craze. It’s the perfect toy—it keeps children busy, and if they misbehave, you can use it to trap them in a corner."

"I like my coffee like I like my soul: black, bitter, and far too hot for a human to handle."

""Mommy, why do I have to keep jumping?" "Because the piranhas are getting bored, dear.""

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who as a group can decide that nothing can be done."