"The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up. Little Billy said, "An orphan." "Why?" "Because then I won’t have to explain why I stayed out past ten.""

"I went to a seance last night. My grandfather’s spirit told me he’s doing well, but he’d like me to stop wearing his favorite suit to bars."

"Life is a race. It’s just a shame the finish line is a brick wall."

"The TV is a wonderful invention. It allows people to be insulted in their own living rooms instead of having to go to a relative’s house."

"Disneyland opened this year. It’s the only place on earth where you can pay five dollars to be terrified by a man in a mouse suit."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you’re ugly too.""

""Mommy, why are we putting Grandpa in the incinerator?" "Because the garden is full, dear.""

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A dark man is one who knows exactly how much it will cost to replace her."

"Progress is just our way of replacing old problems with more expensive new ones."

"We are born crying, and most of us spend the rest of our lives trying to find out why."