"A man is caught in a rainstorm and knocks on a door. A woman opens it. "Can I sleep here?" "Yes, but you’ll have to share a bed with my son." "What’s he like?" "He’s a very quiet boy. He’s been dead for six years.""

"With the new polio vaccine, children are living longer. This is great news for the people who manufacture school desks and belts."

"I asked my bookie what the odds were on me living to eighty. He said, "I don’t take bets on fixed races.""

"The surgeon told me he wanted to perform a "closed-heart" surgery. I asked what that meant. He said, "I do it with my eyes shut so I don’t have to see you.""

"I don’t mind the 100% tax bracket. It’s just the government’s way of saying, "Nice try.""

"The army psychiatrist asked me if I liked girls. I said, "Only the ones who are more afraid of me than I am of them.""

"Our neighborhood is so safe that the local cemetery has a "No Vacancy" sign."

"I’m writing an autobiography. It’s a tragedy, but I’m hoping for a surprise ending where I’ve actually been dead the whole time."

"My son asked me where babies come from. I told him they come from a place of regret and poor lighting."

"The only thing more expensive than an education is a funeral. At least with the funeral, you don’t have to pay back the loans."