"They say Stalin died of a brain hemorrhage. It’s the first time in thirty years he let something enter his head without having it shot first."

"A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Nobody ignores me." The doctor yells, "Next!""

"My uncle died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike the passengers in the car he was driving."

"I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday."

"The Korean Armistice was signed today. Now our boys can come home and face the real enemy: their mothers-in-law."

"I’m not saying my wife is a bad cook, but the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

"Mommy, why is Daddy so pale? "Shut up and keep digging, we’re almost to the chest.""

"Scientists have discovered a way to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Now if they could only find a way to make a human being out of a politician."

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, provided I die by four o'clock this afternoon."

"A graveyard is the only place where people don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. They just lie down next to them."