"My neighbor is so paranoid about the Red Scare that he fired his own shadow for following him too closely without a permit."

"A man on his deathbed tells his wife, "I want you to marry the tax collector after I pass." She asks, "Why?" He says, "Because I want someone to feel as cheated as I did.""

"The army recruiter told me the infantry was a great way to see the world. He forgot to mention that most of it would be through a layer of mud and barbed wire."

""Doctor, I feel like a pack of playing cards." "I’ll deal with you later.""

"I told my wife the house was on fire. She said, "Don't wake me up until the jewelry box starts to melt.""

"They say the new Hydrogen bomb is a major breakthrough. It’s the first invention that allows us to visit our ancestors without actually traveling back in time."

"I went to a fancy dinner party last night. The host asked if I’d like a cocktail. I said, "Sure, what do you have?" He said, "Hemlock, but it’s a bit dry.""

"I’m not a complete failure. At the very least, I serve as a "How-To" guide for what not to do with a human life."

"A diplomat is a man who remembers a woman's birthday but forgets her age. A dark diplomat is a man who remembers the date of the revolution but forgets where he buried the bodies."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about... especially when the coroner is filling out your paperwork."