"The government says we should build fallout shelters in our backyards. My neighbor built one, but he didn't include a door. He said he’d rather be trapped with his thoughts than trapped with his wife."

"A man calls the newspaper to report his own death. The editor says, "I'm sorry to hear that. Where are you calling from?""

"My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary. I took her to the gas station and left her there."

""Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." "Don't worry, it's a common delusion." "I know, but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake.""

"They say the new hydrogen bomb can destroy an entire city. On the bright side, it really solves the urban parking problem."

""Mommy, why is Grandpa so still?" "Because he's trying to see how long he can hold his breath. He’s currently at three days. Don't disturb his record.""

"I asked the waiter for something to settle my stomach. He brought me a handful of gravel and a bill for five dollars."

"The draft board told me I was 1-A. I told them I was 4-F. They asked why, and I said, "I have a recurring dream that I'm a coward.""

"I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks things are as bad as they can get. An optimist is a man who knows they can get much worse."