"The gas prices are so high that I saw a guy today push his Ferrari into a gas station just to use the squeegee on the windshield. He couldn’t afford the fuel, but he wanted the car to look good for the repo man."

"The war in Ukraine started. It’s nice to know that after two years of a global pandemic, we’ve decided to go back to the classics: territorial disputes and nuclear threats. It’s like a vintage 1940s reboot."

"The Will Smith slap happened at the Oscars. Finally, an awards show where someone actually got hit for being annoying. It’s the most honest television we’ve had in decades."

"I told my doctor I was feeling "unprecedented." He told me to stop using that word and start using "chronically exhausted." It doesn’t fix the problem, but it’s more accurate."

"My neighbor bought a "smart stove" that requires a subscription to reach 400 degrees. I told him he’s paying a monthly fee for heat. He said, "It’s convenient." I told him it’s a ransom."

"Elon Musk bought Twitter. He spent 44 billion dollars to become the world’s most expensive customer service representative for a group of people who hate him."

"I don’t mind the cost of living. It’s the cost of staying alive that I find truly exorbitant and frankly, not worth the investment."

"Life is a journey where the destination is always the same, but the GPS keeps taking the most expensive toll roads possible."

"A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. An optimist sees it as half full. A realist realizes the glass is about to be taxed as a luxury item."

"The James Webb Telescope sent back photos of the early universe. It turns out the universe was just as beautiful and indifferent to our existence 13 billion years ago as it is today."