"The vaccines are here! Half the country thinks they’re a miracle, and the other half thinks they’re a 5G tracking device. I’m just happy to have a reason to leave my house that doesn’t involve a grocery list."

"The Capitol was stormed by a guy in a fur hat and face paint. It’s the most American thing ever: a revolution that looks like a very aggressive Comic-Con."

"NFTs are the new craze. You can pay five million dollars for a digital image of a monkey that anyone can right-click and save for free. It’s the ultimate test of how much money you can have before your brain stops working."

"I told my doctor I had "Long COVID." He said, "No, you’re just tired of being alive in the 21st century. There’s no vaccine for that.""

"My neighbor is "investing" in the Metaverse. He bought a digital house next to Snoop Dogg. I told him he’s paying real money to live in a video game that looks like it was made in 1998."

"Squid Game was a hit. A show about people in debt killing each other for money. Or, as we call it, "The Student Loan Experience.""

"I don’t mind the "New Normal." As long as it involves fewer people and more delivery services, I’m perfectly content."

"Life is a series of Zoom calls where the "Mute" button is the only thing standing between you and unemployment."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him you’ve finalized your travel plans for the summer of 2021."

"The "Great Resignation" is happening. Everyone is quitting their jobs to find "fulfillment." I’m staying at mine because my fulfillment doesn’t pay for my antidepressants."