"I went to an "Occupy Wall Street" protest. I asked a guy what he wanted. He said, "Economic justice!" I asked how he was going to get it. He said, "By tweeting from my $600 phone while sitting in a park.""

"Bin Laden was found and killed. It only took ten years, two wars, and several trillion dollars. It’s like hiring a private investigator to find your car keys and having him burn down the entire city to do it."

"Charlie Sheen had a "winning" breakdown. It’s the first time we’ve seen a man clearly losing his mind and thought, "Well, at least he’s not a politician.""

"I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to the news. He said, "Try a digital detox." I tried it, but I missed three apocalypses and a celebrity divorce, and now I feel behind."

"My neighbor bought a "drone." Now he uses it to check if his roof needs cleaning. I use my slingshot to check if his drone is bulletproof. It’s a very modern relationship."

"Game of Thrones started. A show where everyone you like dies and the only constant is that winter is coming. It’s basically a documentary about living in Buffalo."

"I like to walk through the park and tell children that the ice cream truck is actually a mobile vegetable dispensary. It’s important to teach them about disappointment early."

"The only difference between a tragedy and a comedy is how much money you have in your pocket when the curtain falls."

"If you’re going through hell, keep going. Mostly because the people behind you are looking for an excuse to push."

"I asked for a raise at work. My boss gave me a "High Five" and told me that the experience I was gaining was worth more than money. I tried to pay my rent with "Experience." My landlord gave me a "High Five" and a "Notice to Evict.""