"The Deepwater Horizon oil spill happened. BP says they are "sorry." I’m sure the pelicans are very touched by the sentiment as they try to fly with five pounds of crude oil on their wings."

"The iPad was released. It’s just a giant iPhone that you can’t make calls on. It’s the perfect device for people who want to look at their bank account balance in a larger, more depressing font."

"Instagram was launched. Finally, a way to put a "vintage" filter on my dinner so it looks like I was poor in the 1970s instead of just being poor right now."

"I told my doctor I was feeling invisible. He said, "Next! Who's next?""

"My neighbor is so "eco-friendly" he bought a car that runs on electricity. I told him that’s great, but until the power plant stops burning coal, he’s basically just driving a very quiet chimney."

"The Walking Dead premiered. A show about mindless zombies wandering around looking for something to eat. Or, as I call it, the crowd at the local mall during a 70% off sale."

"I don’t need a therapist. I have a very large garden and a lot of neighbors who don’t seem to be home lately."

"Life is like a movie, but you’re the extra who gets killed in the first scene to show that the villain is serious."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."

"The "Arab Spring" started. It’s amazing what people can achieve when they stop looking at cat pictures on the internet and start looking at the guy in the palace."