"The King of Pop died. It’s a tragic end, but at least he’ll finally get what he always wanted: to be immortal, made of plastic, and never have to talk to a reporter again."

"The H1N1 "Swine Flu" is spreading. It’s nice to know that even if the economy doesn’t kill you, a sneeze from a pig in Mexico will finish the job."

"Bitcoin was created. Finally, a way to lose money that doesn’t even exist in the physical world. It’s the ultimate evolution of the American dream."

"The surgeon told me the operation was a success, but the bill would be "transformative." He was right; I’m now a person who lives in a tent."

"I told my wife I was going to "occupy" the living room until she made dinner. She told me she was going to "bail out" of the marriage. We’re currently in a stalemate."

"Avatar was the biggest movie ever. It’s a story about blue people who live in a forest. It’s the most expensive way possible to tell the world that trees are better than people."

"I like to keep my house very dark. It makes it much harder for the repo man to see that I’m still inside eating the last of the cereal."

"Life is a game where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter, but the penalties are strictly enforced by a guy in a suit."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the late worm avoids the bird and gets to die of natural causes in a damp hole. I’m the late worm."

"Water was discovered on the Moon. That’s great news; now we can go there and pollute a whole new celestial body once we’re finished with this one."