"The MacBook Pro was released. It’s a miracle of engineering: a computer that gets so hot it can actually sear a steak, which is lucky because after paying for it, you can’t afford to use the stove."

"Pluto was demoted from a planet to a "dwarf planet." It’s nice to know that even on a cosmic scale, if you aren’t big enough to keep the neighborhood clean, the authorities will just evict you from the map."

"Twitter was launched. Finally, a way to tell the world you’re having a sandwich in 140 characters or less, so your stalkers don’t have to guess what you’re eating while they watch from the bushes."

"I told my doctor I was feeling like a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together. I told him I would, but my insurance only covers being a window blind."

"My neighbor bought a "smart fridge." Now he gets a text message every time his milk expires. It’s the most expensive way possible to be reminded that his life is slowly rotting from the inside out."

"Steve Irwin died this year. It’s a tragic irony: he survived crocodiles and snakes for decades, only to be taken out by a fish that’s essentially a wet pancake with a switchblade."

"I don’t mind being alone. It’s much easier to hide the disappointment when there isn’t an audience for it."

"Life is a sexually transmitted condition that is 100% fatal and has a really terrible opening act."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."

"My boss told me to have a "productive day." So I went home and slept for eight hours. My subconscious did a lot of work; it finally figured out that I hate my job."