"Hurricane Katrina proved that the government is fully capable of handling a crisis, provided that the crisis happens in a movie and involves an actor who looks like a hero."

"YouTube was launched. Finally, a place where I can watch a cat play a piano and then spend three hours reading comments from people who want to start a race war over it."

"The Pope died. It’s a tragic loss for the church. They’ve replaced him with a man who looks like he’s about to tell Luke Skywalker that he is his father."

"The doctor told me I was "morbidly obese." I told him I preferred the term "hard to kidnap.""

"My neighbor bought a "smart car." It’s so small that if he gets into an accident, he doesn’t go to the hospital; he just gets put in a very small envelope and mailed to his next of kin."

"The Office (US) premiered. It’s a show about people who work in a soul-crushing environment for a boss they hate. Finally, a documentary we can all relate to."

"I like to sit in the park and watch the joggers. It’s nice to see people putting in so much effort to reach the same destination I’m getting to by sitting on this bench: the grave."

"Reality is what continues to exist even after you stop believing in it. Unfortunately, that includes my student loans."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"The first partial face transplant was performed. Now you can literally become someone else, which is great because I was really getting tired of being the person I currently am."