"George W. Bush was re-elected. It’s a great day for the "common man," provided the common man has a ranch in Texas and doesn’t mind a trillion-dollar deficit."

"The Tsunami in the Indian Ocean was a tragedy. It’s a reminder that Mother Nature doesn’t care about your vacation photos or your "Save the Whales" bumper sticker."

"Facebook was founded. It was originally for Harvard students to rate each other’s looks. Now it’s for everyone to rate how much they hate their high school classmates."

"I told my psychiatrist I was obsessed with the news. He said, "Turn off the TV." I said, "I can’t, I need to know which apocalypse I should be dressing for.""

"I asked my neighbor for his Wi-Fi password. He said "GoToHell123." I haven’t connected yet, mostly because I’m worried he’s being literal."

"The Passion of the Christ was a hit. It’s a movie that proves people will pay $10 to watch a man get beaten for two hours as long as they can call it "devotional.""

"I don’t mind the voices in my head. It’s the ones on my voicemail that I find truly terrifying."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about... especially by your own doctor during a biopsy."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the late worm gets to live another day."

"Google went public. Now they own the data on everything I’ve ever searched for. I’m not worried about the government; I’m worried about Google telling my mom what I looked up in 2002."