"The L.A. Riots happened. It’s the first time in history people burned down their own neighborhoods to protest the fact that the police aren’t protecting their neighborhoods."

"My bank is so focused on the recession they started offering a "Preferred Suicide" account. If you jump, they’ll waive the service fees on your estate."

"Euro Disney opened. It’s a place where you can pay forty dollars for a croissant and listen to Mickey Mouse complain about the labor unions in French."

"I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, "Are they telling you to do things?" I said, "No, they’re just giving me very bad stock tips.""

"I told my neighbor his dog was barking too much. He told me the dog was just "self-actualizing." I told him my shotgun was about to "finalize the narrative.""

"The first text message was sent. "Merry Christmas." It took 160 characters to say what a ten-cent card could have said, but with more typos and less soul."

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of the hallucinations; they’re much more interesting than my real friends."

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. Unfortunately, I’m currently stuck in the front row with no glasses."

"To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential."

"They discovered a hole in the ozone over the Arctic. Great. Now the polar bears can get a tan while they drown on their melting ice cubes."