"The war is over. We "liberated" Kuwait. Now they can go back to being an absolute monarchy that treats women like furniture, just the way God intended."

"The Soviet Union collapsed this year. It’s a tragic end for a superpower: they went from being the "Evil Empire" to being a place where you can trade a nuclear warhead for a Big Mac."

"The World Wide Web became public. Finally, a way for people to stay at home and be insulted by strangers from around the globe without having to leave their pajamas."

"I told my doctor I was feeling light-headed. He said, "That’s just the vacuum in your bank account from my last bill trying to fill itself.""

"My wife says we need to "reconnect." So I gave her a new phone line and a separate bedroom. She says it’s not what she meant, but it’s exactly what I needed."

"Silence of the Lambs won everything. It’s nice to know that as a society, we’ve finally learned to appreciate a man with a refined palate and a basement full of strangers."

"I like to keep a shovel in my trunk. Not for gardening, just as a conversation starter when the police pull me over."

"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito... or a sociopath."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."

"I asked my dad why the world is so messed up. He said, "Because we let the people who were too dumb to be scientists become politicians.""