"We’re going to war in the Middle East to protect our "way of life." Apparently, our way of life involves driving five blocks to buy a pack of cigarettes in a tank that gets three miles to the gallon."

"My doctor told me to give up everything that makes life worth living. I asked if he meant alcohol and tobacco. He said, "No, I mean hope and your cable subscription.""

"The Hubble Telescope was launched, but it can't see anything because the mirror is blurry. It’s the perfect government project: we spent billions to give the universe a cataract."

"I told my therapist I was having a mid-life crisis. He said, "You're sixty. This isn't a mid-life crisis, it's an end-of-life rehearsals.""

"My neighbor is so "environmentally conscious" he stopped mowing his lawn to save the planet. Now he has a miniature rainforest and a very large collection of summons from the city."

"Home Alone was a hit. It’s a heartwarming story about a family that forgets their child and two men who get brain damage trying to break into a house."

"I don’t believe in capital punishment. I believe in very long, very uncomfortable dinner parties with no exit strategy."

"Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. Unless you're a math teacher, then it's just a series of problems that lead to a very lonely death."

"A budget is just a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions that you can't afford to stay alive."

"Germany is reunified. Finally, the East and West can come together and agree that they both hate the tax increase required to pay for it."