"The Berlin Wall fell. It’s amazing—forty years of tension ended because someone forgot to check the lock on the gate. Now the East Germans can finally enjoy the freedom of being unemployed in a better currency."

"The Exxon Valdez spilled millions of gallons of oil. It’s a tragedy for the environment, but it’s great news for the people who manufacture Dawn dish soap and very small sponges."

"Seinfeld premiered. A show about nothing. Finally, a television program that accurately reflects the contents of my brain at 3:00 AM."

"My psychiatrist told me I was suffering from "Decade Fatigue." I told him I’ve been tired since the Eisenhower administration; I’m just now getting around to complaining."

"My neighbor bought a "clapper" to turn off his lights. He’s so lazy he now refuses to enter a room unless there’s an audience to applaud his arrival."

"Batman was a hit. A billionaire who spends his nights beating up poor people while dressed as a flying rodent. It’s the ultimate 80s success story."

"I don’t hate people. I just prefer the company of those who can’t talk back—primarily because they’re currently horizontal and under a layer of sod."

"The 80s are over. We started with Reagan and hairspray, and we’re ending with a global recession and a hole in the sky. We really made some progress."

"Death is just nature’s way of telling you that your subscription to the 20th century is about to expire."

"I asked my dad what a "LBO" (Leveraged Buyout) was. He said, "It’s when you buy a house with a credit card, burn it down for the insurance, and then charge the insurance company for the matches.""