"George H.W. Bush said, "Read my lips: No new taxes." I read them, but all I saw was a man who’s never had to check the price of a gallon of milk in his life."

"Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed over Lockerbie. It’s a tragic reminder that the only thing more dangerous than flying is the people who didn’t get an aisle seat."

"The first "computer worm" hit the internet. It’s nice to know that even when the world is digital, we still have to deal with parasites."

"The doctor told me I had a "unique" condition. I asked if that was good. He said, "It means I’m going to name a wing of the hospital after you, but you won’t be there to see it.""

"My wife said we need to "rekindle the flame." So I burned our marriage certificate in the backyard. She wasn’t as impressed as I thought she’d be."

"Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Personally, I think the rabbit did it. He looks like the kind of guy who’d sell his own mother for a cartoon carrot."

"I like to go to weddings and whisper "You’re next" to the groom. It keeps the tradition alive in a much darker way."

"If life gives you lemons, you should probably check to see if they’re poisoned before you make the lemonade."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is just the headlight of a train that’s running behind schedule."

"The Greenhouse Effect is becoming a major concern. It’s great; soon we’ll be able to enjoy a tropical climate in North Dakota, right before we all drown."