"The stock market crashed on "Black Monday." It was a tragic day; I saw a stockbroker jump from a first-floor window. He didn’t die, he just landed on a guy who owed him twenty bucks."

"My wife told me she wanted more "space" in our relationship. So I locked her in the garage and told her it was the International Space Station."

"The Simpsons debuted as shorts this year. A dysfunctional family that hates each other and lives in a town full of idiots. Finally, a show that accurately documents the American Dream."

"I told my psychiatrist I was feeling like a bridge. He said, "I know, I saw your dental bill; it’s a suspension bridge for a very wealthy family.""

"I told my neighbor his house was on fire. He asked if the insurance was up to date. I said yes. He said, "Then let’s go get a beer and watch the glow.""

"Rick Astley’s "Never Gonna Give You Up" was a hit. It’s the musical equivalent of a stalker who has a really catchy synthesizer."

"I find that a heavy fog and a lack of witnesses is the best recipe for a productive evening."

"We are all just dust in the wind. Unfortunately, some of us are the kind of dust that gets stuck in the vacuum cleaner filter."

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted... usually followed by a lawsuit."

"I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said "Retired." I’ve never been more proud of his realistic outlook."