"What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts. (Too soon? It’s been twelve minutes.)"

"The good news about Chernobyl is that the residents don’t need to buy flashlights anymore. They just hold up their hands and wait for the glow."

"I saw a "Baby on Board" sign today. It’s a great idea; it lets me know exactly which car to avoid hitting so I don’t have to deal with the paperwork of a miniature lawsuit."

"I told my doctor I was addicted to caffeine. He told me to stop. I told him I’d stop when my heart stopped vibrating fast enough to pick up local radio stations."

"The Iran-Contra affair is confusing. We sold weapons to our enemies to fund a war we weren’t supposed to be fighting. It’s like stealing from your wife to pay for your girlfriend’s divorce lawyer."

"My neighbor is so obsessed with his lawn that he put up a sign saying "Keep off the Grass." I put up a sign on my lawn saying "The Grass is Lava." We don’t talk anymore."

"Mike Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion. He’s a man of few words, mostly because he’s usually busy eating someone else’s vocabulary."

"I don’t need a security system. I just leave a half-finished chalk outline on the driveway every Monday morning."

"Life is a series of distractions designed to keep you from noticing that you’re slowly turning into your parents."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him you have a five-year plan that involves staying solvent."