"Live Aid happened. We’re feeding the world with rock and roll. It’s a nice gesture, but I’m pretty sure the starving kids would prefer a sandwich to a drum solo."

"I told my son life isn’t fair. He said, "I know." I said, "Good, then you won’t be surprised when I forget to pick you up from school.""

"Nintendo was released in America. Finally, a way for children to stay inside and ignore the sun while developing the thumb coordination of a professional safe-cracker."

"I told my doctor I was addicted to the 80s. He told me to "Relax" and gave me a pill that tasted like hairspray."

"My neighbor is so obsessed with status that he bought a cellular phone just so he could call people and tell them he’s currently standing in his own driveway."

"I have a fear of success. I’m also doing a very good job of overcoming it."

"Back to the Future was a hit. I’d go back to the past too, but I’m pretty sure I’d just find new ways to ruin the present."

"I like my tea like I like my heart: stone cold and sitting in a dark room."

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. A realist sees the bill."

"The hole in the ozone layer was discovered. It’s great; now we can get a tan and skin cancer at twice the speed without ever leaving the house."