"It’s finally 1984. Big Brother isn’t watching you; he’s too busy trying to figure out how to program his VCR."

"My grandmother is 90. She says the secret to a long life is not dying. I told her that’s also the secret to a very long and boring conversation."

"The first Apple Macintosh came out. It’s "the computer for the rest of us." "The rest of us" apparently being people with $2,500 and a very small amount of desk space."

"The plastic surgeon told me he could make me look like a new man. I asked if he could also make me feel like one. He said that would cost an extra ten thousand."

"I’m not poor. I’m just experiencing a temporary lack of capital that has lasted for thirty-four years."

"My wife says I have a "selective memory." I told her I don't remember selecting it."

"Ghostbusters was a hit. I wish they had a version for the ghosts of my past; they’re much harder to catch with a proton pack."

"I find that a smile is the best way to hide the fact that I’m mentally planning your estate sale."

"We are all just stories in the end. Most of ours just happen to be cautionary tales."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is often the headlight of a train that’s running late."