"The computer is the greatest invention of our time. It allows you to make mistakes faster than any human being in history."

"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "A casket." I told her I hadn't even finished paying for the one I bought her last year."

"The world is obsessed with "fitness." We’re the only species that spends all day sitting in a chair and then pays money to run on a belt that goes nowhere."

"I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. He said, "Don't answer it.""

"The "Star Wars" defense system was announced. It’s a great idea: we’ll stop Soviet missiles with lasers that don’t exist, powered by money we don’t have."

"My neighbor’s dog is a philosopher. He spends all day barking at the void. My neighbor is a realist; he spends all day throwing shoes at the dog."

"Cabbage Patch Kids are the new craze. It’s good practice for parents: buying a weird-looking creature and realizing you’re stuck with it forever."

"I don’t believe in luck. I believe in well-timed accidents and very quiet witnesses."

"Hope is a waking dream, and I’m a chronic insomniac."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments."