"John Lennon was shot. He imagined no possessions, but it turns out the only thing you really can't hold onto is your own life when a fan has a .38 caliber ego."

"Ronald Reagan is President. An actor in the White House. It makes sense; the country is a disaster movie, we might as well have a leading man who knows how to read a script."

"I went to a funeral for a guy who died of natural causes. "Natural causes" is just a medical term for "We have no idea why he gave up, but we’re done checking.""

"My psychiatrist told me I have a "god complex." I told him I’d forgive him for that comment if he’d just stop charging me for the time I spend blessing him."

"Post-it notes were launched. Finally, a way to leave a suicide note that doesn't stick around long enough for the police to actually care."

"My wife says she wants a more "adventurous" life. So I told her the brakes on her car were "optional" from now on. She hasn't left the driveway yet."

"Who shot J.R.? Everyone in America wanted to know. Personally, I was more interested in who was going to pay the bill for the hospital stay."

"I love the smell of the morgue. It’s the only place where the people are as cold as my heart and significantly quieter."

"Life is what happens while you’re waiting for the nuclear sirens to go off."

"Success is just the process of failing until you’ve made enough money to buy people who will tell you that you haven’t."