"There is a hostage crisis in Iran. It’s the only time in history a country has been held captive by a group of students whose primary demand is that we stop being the "Great Satan" while they still use our refrigerators."

"I asked my doctor if I could live to 100. He asked, "Do you drink, smoke, or chase women?" I said no. He asked, "Then why do you want to live to 100?""

"Three Mile Island happened. It’s nice to know that "clean energy" just means the invisible death takes slightly longer to kill you than the soot from coal."

"The nurse told me the doctor would see me now. I told her I’d rather remain a mystery to him; I’ve seen his bill and I can’t afford to be solved."

"Margaret Thatcher became Prime Minister. Finally, the UK has a leader who proves that a woman can be just as ruthless and uncaring about the poor as any man."

"I told my neighbor I was thinking about suicide. He asked if he could have my lawnmower first because he didn't want it to get tied up in probate."

"The Walkman was released. Now you can ignore the world while listening to a plastic tape hiss at you. It’s the perfect preparation for the digital age."

"I don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty, as long as it contains enough arsenic to get the job done."

"The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the curiosity of seeing how much worse it can possibly get."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."