"They say you should never follow a man who promises you paradise. Especially if his version of paradise involves a remote jungle and a very specific brand of grape-flavored drink."

"My bank is so focused on the recession that they replaced the "Welcome" mat with a trap door that leads directly into a bankruptcy hearing."

"The first test-tube baby was born. It’s a miracle of science: now we can bring people into this miserable world without even having the excuse of a good time beforehand."

"I told my psychiatrist I was feeling like a bridge. He said, "I know, I saw your dental records; they look like a suspension bridge for a very small city.""

""Mommy, why is everyone dancing?" "Because the disco floor is electrified, dear. Now keep the beat or the manager will turn up the voltage.""

"My wife and I went to a marriage counselor. He told us we should try a "role-reversal." So I stayed home and cried while she went out and spent money I didn't have."

"Garfield started this year. A cat who hates Mondays and loves lasagna. Finally, a cartoon character that accurately represents the slow, bloated decay of the American spirit."

"I like to think of myself as a "people person." Specifically, a person who likes to watch people from a safe distance through a high-powered telescope."

"Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel, and a massive tax liability to those who earn."

"A cynic is just what an idealist calls an optimist who has finally read the morning news."