"The war in Vietnam is finally over. We’ve achieved our goal: we’ve turned a beautiful country into a place where the primary export is now orphans and scrap metal."

"Everyone is afraid to go into the water because of "Jaws." Personally, I’m more afraid of the beach-goers; at least a shark doesn’t try to sell you a multi-level marketing scheme."

"I went to a funeral for a guy who died of a heart attack while jogging. It was a beautiful service, but I couldn’t help thinking: he really wasted a lot of energy on those last three miles."

"The surgeon told me the operation was a "partial success." I asked what that meant. He said, "I’m still rich, and you’re still alive. One out of two isn’t bad.""

"The pet rock was invented this year. It’s the perfect pet: it doesn’t eat, it doesn’t bark, and when it dies, you don’t have to bury it; you just use it to break your neighbor’s window."

"My wife and I have the perfect relationship. She doesn’t tell me where she goes, and I don’t ask who she’s with as long as she brings back the change from the grocery store."

"SNL premiered this year. It’s a show where people pretend to be funny so that people at home can pretend they have a social life."

"I like my wine like I like my soul: aged in the dark and capable of inducing a headache that lasts for centuries."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is just the headlamp of an oncoming train that’s running behind schedule."

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you give him an excuse to drink beer and ignore his family until he dies of exposure."