"Nixon resigned today. It’s the first time in history a man has left the White House and the only person sad to see him go is his psychiatrist, who just lost his best source of income."

"My wife told me she wants to be buried at sea. I told her that’s fine, but I’m not waiting until we get to the beach; I’ll just start filling the bathtub."

"The inflation is so bad that I saw a man today holding up a bank just so he could afford the gas to drive home from the bank."

"I told my doctor I was feeling like a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together."

""Mommy, why is Daddy in a cage?" "Because he’s a very rare specimen, dear. He’s a politician who accidentally told the truth and we’re waiting for the zoo to pick him up.""

"My neighbor is so depressed he decided to end it all. He stood in the middle of the street, but the traffic was so bad he ended up just getting a tan and a ticket for loitering."

"They say the new Stephen King book "Carrie" is terrifying. Personally, I find the thought of my daughter’s prom dress bill much scarier than telekinesis."

"I don’t hate my neighbors. I just wish they’d move... to a different plane of existence."

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it, and either way, it smells like regret."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip."