"There’s a gas shortage. I saw a man today push his Cadillac three miles to the station, only to find out they were out of gas. He didn’t cry; he just sat in the back seat and waited for the repo man to give him a lift."

"Nixon said, "I am not a crook." He’s right; a crook would have been smart enough to not record his own crimes on a Sony TC-800B."

"My tax return was so small this year, the IRS sent me a "Get Well Soon" card instead of a check."

"I told my psychiatrist I felt like a bridge. He said, "Don't worry, you're just under a lot of suspension.""

""Mommy, why are we moving to the cemetery?" "Because the rent is lower and the neighbors finally stopped complaining about your drumming.""

"My wife started a "consciousness-raising" group. Now she’s fully conscious of how much she dislikes me."

"The Exorcist was released. It’s the first movie where a child being possessed by a demon is actually less scary than the thought of paying for the medical bills."

"I like to garden. Mostly nightshade and things that grow better in the dark. It matches my outlook."

"Life is what happens while you are making other plans... and then death is what happens when you finally start to enjoy those plans."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."