"I asked a guy where he was when he heard the news. He said, "I was in the middle of a joke about the Vice President. I never got to finish it. Now I’m the Vice President.""

"They say Lee Harvey Oswald was a loner. I guess that’s why he wanted to reach out and touch someone from a distance."

"The "Hotline" between DC and Moscow was established. It’s nice to know that if we’re going to blow up the world, we’ll at least talk about it first."

""Mommy, can I play with Grandpa?" "No, dear. We’ve already dug him up three times this week.""

"I told my doctor I was addicted to placebos. He gave me a sugar pill and told me to get out."

"My wife and I have been happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"Alcatraz closed this year. Now the prisoners have to find a place to live where the rent is higher and the guards aren’t as friendly."

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’d be willing to make an exception—provided you wear a bag over it."

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. For the rest of us, it's just a very long wait for a bus that never comes."

"The moon is the only place left where the Americans and Russians haven’t tried to kill each other. Yet."