"The government told us to stock up on canned goods. I bought forty cans of peaches. If I’m going to go out in a mushroom cloud, I’d like to have a sticky chin."

"My neighbor is building a fallout shelter. He asked me what I’m doing. I told him I’m buying a lawn chair so I can get a front-row seat for the end of the world."

"Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday" to the President. It was the most expensive song in history—it cost the First Lady three months of therapy."

""Mommy, why is Daddy so blue?" "Because you wouldn't stop holding his head under the bathwater, dear.""

"The first Telstar satellite was launched. Now we can send bad television across the ocean at the speed of light."

"The surgeon said my operation was a "rare success." I didn't realize I was part of a limited edition."

"I told my boss I wanted a raise because three other companies were after me. He asked which ones. I said "The electric company, the gas company, and the mortgage company.""

"James Bond debuted this year. He has a license to kill. I have a license to drive, and frankly, I think I’m more dangerous."

"A funeral is just a party where the guest of honor is too stuck-up to talk to anyone."

"We are all born in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. The rest of us are just trying to keep from drowning in the puddles."