"The East Germans are building a wall to keep people in. It’s the first time in history a country has been turned into a giant room with no exit and a very aggressive landlord."

"The President asked us to "Ask not what your country can do for you." I asked, and the IRS answered by taking my house."

"A man finds a magic lamp. The genie says "I will give you anything, but your enemy gets double." The man says, "Fine, give me a heart attack.""

"I’m a light sleeper. I wake up at the slightest sound. Usually, it’s the sound of my own hopes hitting the floor."

"Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space. He looked out the window and said he didn’t see God. God looked down and said He didn’t see any reason to keep the oxygen on."

"The doctor told me I had six months to live. I told him I couldn’t pay his bill. He gave me another six months."

"My wife says I don’t listen to her. At least, I think that’s what she said. I was busy looking for the receipt for our anniversary gift."

"Bay of Pigs was a disaster. It turns out pigs aren’t very good at invading islands—they just want to find a nice place to take a nap."

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."