"I’m looking forward to the future. With the new nuclear power plants, we’ll finally be able to light our homes with the glow of our own mutations."

"Castro took over Cuba. Now we have to worry about communism just 90 miles away. On the bright side, at least the cigars are still good—provided you don't mind the taste of revolution."

"The "Day the Music Died" happened this year. It turns out the music didn't die, it just moved to a place where there aren't any small planes."

"Hawaii became a state today. Finally, a place where we can go to get a tan while worrying about being hit by a volcanic eruption or a Russian missile."

""Doctor, I feel like I’m becoming invisible." "Who said that?""

""Mommy, why is Daddy swimming so fast?" "Shut up and keep the motor running.""

"I told my wife I was going to kill myself. She told me to take the trash out first because she didn't want the house smelling twice as bad."

"The first Barbie doll was released. She has everything: the dream house, the car, the boyfriend, and a vacant expression that says she’s already had a lobotomy."

"I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around... or when they’re under six feet of dirt."

"We are all just a collection of cells waiting for the eviction notice."