"A mother says to her son, "Johnny, stop pulling your sister's hair!" Johnny replies, "But Mom, I'm just trying to see if the radiation made it loose yet.""

"My doctor told me that with this new atomic age, I should stop smoking. Not because of cancer, but because I shouldn't waste matches on a world that's about to light itself."

"The neighbors are so judgmental. I told them I was going to the hospital to visit my wife, and they asked "Is she sick?" I said, "No, she just likes the food and the oxygen tent.""

""Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" "Yes, certainly." "That's great, because I never could play it before.""

"In the event of a nuclear blast, simply put your head between your knees and kiss your assets goodbye."

""Mommy, why is Daddy running across the field?" "Shut up and keep reloading the rifle.""

""Is it a boy or a girl?" "It's a beautiful baby... but I'd keep the receipt if I were you.""

"A man is found standing on a street corner with a flashlight. A passerby asks, "What are you doing?" He says, "I'm looking for the guy who turned out the lights in the middle of the day.""

"They say money can't buy happiness, but it certainly allows you to be miserable in a much nicer neighborhood."

"Life is just a terminal illness that is sexually transmitted."