"The world shut down because of a virus. Now I spend all day in sweatpants talking to a computer screen and washing my groceries with bleach. This isn’t a quarantine; it’s a very poorly funded cult."

"I asked my doctor when things would go back to "normal." He laughed for three minutes, handed me a mask, and told me to get used to the smell of my own breath."

"Toilet paper became the new global currency. I saw two men fighting over a 12-pack of Charmin like it was a briefcase full of gold bars. It’s the peak of human civilization."

"I told my therapist I was lonely. He said, "We’re all in this together." I told him that doesn’t help when "this" is a one-bedroom apartment and a sourdough starter that is starting to judge me."

"My neighbor is "podcasting" from his garage. I told him that just because he has a microphone and an opinion doesn’t mean he has an audience. He told me I was "suppressing his content.""

"Tiger King was the biggest show on earth. It’s a documentary about people who own tigers and try to kill each other. It was the only thing that made our own lives look sane."

"I love social distancing. I’ve been practicing for this my entire life; it’s nice to finally have the government’s permission to hate everyone."

"Hope is the little voice that whispers "maybe" right before the universe screams "NO.""

"A pessimist sees a pandemic. An optimist sees a chance to never wear pants to a meeting again."

""Murder Hornets" arrived in America. Because 2020 felt like it was missing a secondary antagonist. It’s like the writers of reality are just throwing darts at a board now."