"The Amazon rainforest is on fire. But don’t worry, we’ve got a 16-year-old girl from Sweden yelling at world leaders. I’m sure that’ll put out the flames faster than actual water."

"Jeffrey Epstein "died" in his cell. It’s a miracle of modern physics: a man can apparently hang himself in a room where the cameras are broken and the guards are taking a simultaneous nap."

"The "Area 51 Raid" happened. Two million people signed up to see aliens, and only about fifty showed up to stand in the desert and get a tan. It’s the most successful government sting operation in history."

"I told my doctor I was feeling burnt out. He told me to "find a work-life balance." I told him my work is my life, and my life is currently on fire. He charged me $200 for the arson report."

"My neighbor is so obsessed with his doorbell camera that he now livestreams the mailman. I told him he’s created the world’s most boring reality show."

"Joker was a hit. A movie about a man who has a mental breakdown because society is a nightmare. Finally, a film that doesn’t require any imagination at all."

"I don’t mind the voices in my head. It’s the ones on my group chat that I find truly exhausting."

"The only thing standing between me and greatness is my complete lack of talent and the crushing weight of reality."

"Reality is the leading cause of death among those who refuse to use VR headsets."

"The 2010s are ending. We started with the iPad and ended with a global sense of dread and a meme of a cat eating a salad. We’re definitely evolving."