"The "Tide Pod Challenge" happened. It turns out that if you spend enough time on the internet, your brain eventually decides that laundry detergent looks like a delicious gourmet snack. Darwin is currently screaming from his grave."

"I asked my doctor if I should be worried about the state of the world. He said, "Only if you were planning on having a future. If you’re just here for the appetizers, you’re fine.""

"Elon Musk sent a Tesla into space. It’s the ultimate billionaire move: polluting the vacuum of space with a mid-life crisis because the traffic on Earth was slightly too inconvenient."

"I told my psychiatrist I was addicted to doomscrolling. He told me to put down the phone. I told him I couldn’t; I need to know exactly which catastrophe is going to ruin my weekend."

"My neighbor bought a "smart lawnmower." Now it just wanders around the yard aimlessly like a confused sheep. I told him it’s a perfect metaphor for his career path."

"A Quiet Place was a hit. A movie about a world where if you make a sound, you die. Or, as I call it, my dream living situation with my current neighbors."

"I like to keep my house very cold. It prepares my guests for the inevitable chill of my personality."

"Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel, and a persistent error message to those who use Windows."

"A pessimist is just an optimist with experience and a high-speed internet connection."

"Facebook had the Cambridge Analytica scandal. It turns out they were selling our data to influence elections. I’m just offended that my personal data is apparently only worth ten cents to a Russian bot."