"Donald Trump announced he’s running for President. Everyone laughed and said it was a publicity stunt. It’s the funniest joke of the decade, mostly because the punchline is going to last four years."

"The New Horizons probe reached Pluto. It took nine years to get a high-res photo of a rock that doesn’t even want to be a planet anymore. It’s the ultimate long-distance relationship with a cold ex."

"Tinder is the new way to meet people. It’s like window shopping, but for human disappointment. You swipe right on a dream and wake up to a nightmare with a bad personality."

"I told my psychiatrist I was feeling like a failure. He said, "Don’t think of it as failing. Think of it as successfully discovering everything you’re not good at.""

"My neighbor is a "vaper." He spends all day walking around in a cloud of strawberry-scented steam. I told him he looks like a broken locomotive that’s trying to quit its job."

"Mad Max: Fury Road came out. A movie about people fighting over water and gasoline in a desert. Or, as we call it, a preview of the year 2040."

"I like to keep my friends close and my enemies in a place where the Wi-Fi signal is too weak to call for help."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about... especially by your own heirs while you're still in the room."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few car payments."

"The Volkswagen emissions scandal broke. It turns out the cars were only "clean" when they were being watched. It’s the first time a car has been caught acting like a teenager."