"The "Ice Bucket Challenge" happened. It’s a great cause: people dump freezing water on their heads so they don’t have to think about the fact that the planet is actually heating up and we’re all going to drown."

"Malaysia Airlines lost two planes this year. One vanished into thin air, and the other was shot down. It’s a bad year for flying, but a great year for people who enjoy staring at a blank radar screen and sighing."

"The Flint water crisis started. It’s amazing—in the 21st century, we have cars that can park themselves, but we still haven’t figured out how to provide water that doesn’t double as a chemistry set."

"I told my doctor I was feeling light-headed. He said, "That’s just the vacuum in your bank account from my last bill trying to fill itself.""

"My neighbor bought a "smart doorbell." Now he can watch the package thief steal his Amazon order in 4K resolution from the comfort of his office. It’s like a nature documentary, but with more polyester."

"Interstellar was a hit. A movie about how we have to leave Earth because we ruined it. Finally, a film that captures the ultimate human solution: running away from our own mess."

"I don’t mind the voices in my head. It’s the ones on my LinkedIn feed that I find truly terrifying."

"Life is a sexually transmitted condition that is 100% fatal and has a very long, very boring middle section."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress for people who are currently paying attention."

"The Ebola outbreak happened. It’s nice to know that even in the age of high-speed internet, nature still has a way of deleting files manually."