"Edward Snowden revealed that the NSA is watching everything we do. I’m not worried about the government seeing my emails; I’m worried about them seeing how many times I’ve Googled "how to boil an egg.""

"The Pope resigned. It’s the first time in 600 years a Pope has quit. I guess even the leader of the Church looked at the state of the world and said, "I can’t fix this, I’m going to the beach.""

"The "Selfie" was the word of the year. Finally, we’ve reached the peak of human evolution: taking pictures of ourselves looking at a device that is recording us looking at ourselves."

"The doctor told me I had "Screen Fatigue." I told him I’d look into it, but I’d have to check my phone first to see what the symptoms are."

"My neighbor bought a "smart lock" for his front door. Now he can’t get into his house because the door is currently installing a software update. I sat on my porch and applauded until he threw a brick through his own window."

"Breaking Bad ended. A show about a man who turns to crime to pay for his medical bills. In Europe, it’s a fantasy; in America, it’s a business plan."

"I find that a heavy velvet curtain and a lack of eye contact is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship with society."

"Hope is the denial of reality. And reality is currently checking its watch and looking for a blunt object."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm is just a statistic."

"Blackfish was released. It’s a documentary that proves that keeping a five-ton predator in a bathtub makes it grumpy. Who would have guessed?"