"The Mayan calendar ended today. I spent my life savings on a bunker and ten thousand cans of Spam. The world didn’t end, but my marriage did, which is basically the same amount of screaming."

"The London Olympics happened. It’s a beautiful event where the world’s best athletes compete to see who can be the fastest, while the rest of us sit on a couch and struggle to open a bag of chips."

"The "Curiosity" rover landed on Mars. We spent billions to send a robot to a desert to see if there was once water there. I’ve got a desert in my backyard and a leaky pipe; I could have done it for free."

"I told my doctor I was feeling stressed about the future. He told me not to worry, because at the rate I’m eating trans fats, I won’t be in the future very long."

"I told my wife I wanted to go to a "dark retreat." She said, "Just stay in the basement and I’ll turn off the lights and stop talking to you." It was the best vacation I ever had."

"The Hunger Games was a hit. A movie about children killing each other for the entertainment of the rich. Or, as I call it, the Ivy League admissions process."

"I don’t mind the shadows. They’re the only things that don’t ask me for money or a favor."

"Reality is what you use as a screen-saver while you’re waiting for something interesting to happen on the internet."

"A clear conscience is usually the result of a very selective memory and a lack of social media history."

"The Facebook IPO happened. A lot of people lost a lot of money. It’s the first time Mark Zuckerberg has shared something with his users that they actually didn’t want."