"The economy crashed. I asked my bank for my balance, and the teller just sighed and handed me a tissue. I’m not saying we’re poor, but my 401(k) is now just a 4."

"Obama was elected. It’s a message of "Hope and Change." I’ve got plenty of hope, but the only change I have left is four cents and a button I found in the sofa."

"Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. It turns out "Too Big to Fail" is just a fancy way of saying "We’re going to take your house and use the wood to build a yacht for the CEO.""

"I told my psychiatrist I was hearing the sounds of a collapsing economy. He said, "That’s normal. It’s just the sound of your middle-class dreams being put through a paper shredder.""

"Airbnb was founded. Now you can pay a stranger $100 to sleep in their guest room and wonder if the hidden camera in the teddy bear is recording your existential crisis."

"My neighborhood has so many "For Sale" signs that I thought it was a new brand of wallpaper. My neighbor didn’t leave; he just moved into his car and changed his mailing address to "Space 4.""

"The Dark Knight was a hit. It’s a movie about a man who wants to watch the world burn. In 2008, we didn’t call him a villain; we called him a "Subprime Mortgage Broker.""

"I don’t hate my neighbors. I just think their property values would be much higher if they were currently being haunted by a very quiet, very polite ghost."

"We are all just stories in the end. It’s just a shame mine is a comedy of errors written by a very drunk god."

"A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. A recovery is when the banker who caused it gets a bonus."