"The first iPhone was released. It’s a phone, an iPod, and an internet communicator. It’s also a great way to ensure that your boss can reach you while you’re in the shower to tell you you’re fired."

"The housing market is starting to look shaky. I asked my Realtor for a house with a view. He showed me a cardboard box under a bridge and said, "Look at that river access.""

"Netflix started streaming. Finally, I can watch a movie about a man losing his mind without having to wait for the mailman to bring me the physical evidence of my laziness."

"The doctor told me I had "Seasonal Affective Disorder." I told him I’m depressed all year round. He said, "Okay, then you just have Regular Affective Disorder.""

"My neighbor is so obsessed with his lawn he uses a pair of scissors to trim the edges. I told him he should use a therapist to trim the edges of his personality instead."

"Britney Spears shaved her head this year. It was the first time the internet realized that if you chase a person long enough with a camera, they eventually turn into a Buddhist monk with a vendetta."

"I like to walk through the cemetery and leave "Miss You" notes on random headstones. It keeps the local ghosts confused and the groundskeeper worried."

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. And a well-aimed brick is stronger than both."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is just the glare from the hospital bill."

"The "God Particle" is being hunted at the Large Hadron Collider. I hope they find it; maybe it can explain why the rest of the universe is such a mess."