"The US invaded Iraq to find "Weapons of Mass Destruction." We didn’t find any, but we did find a lot of sand and a guy in a hole who was really surprised to see us."

"I asked my boss what the company’s vision for the future was. He said, "Finding someone younger and cheaper than you who doesn’t ask so many questions.""

"MySpace was launched. Finally, a place where I can rank my friends in order of who I’m most likely to ignore in real life."

"I told my doctor I was feeling suicidal. He said, "That’s a pre-existing condition, so your insurance won’t cover the funeral. Better stay alive out of spite.""

"My wife says I treat our marriage like a reality show. I told her that’s not true; on a reality show, I’d get paid to tolerate her family."

"Finding Nemo was a hit. A movie about a father who travels thousands of miles to find his son. Personally, I’d have just used the insurance money to buy a goldfish that listens better."

"I find that a well-maintained garden and a deep knowledge of poisonous mushrooms is the best way to keep houseguests from overstaying their welcome."

"We aren’t afraid of the dark. We’re afraid of what’s in the dark that hasn’t been updated in our Facebook feed yet."

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Usually, you get it right before you get fired."

"The Human Genome Project was completed. Now we know exactly which genes are responsible for our failures; we can stop blaming our parents and start blaming our chemistry."